Aging Parents and How I Know as Much as I Do About Money
Your are parents getting old. Are you prepared? Here's the story about how I wasn't prepared and how you can learn from my mistakes.
Unless you're Batman, losing your parents sucks.
It sucks when you're young, it sucks when you're older, it just sucks no matter what. I wasn't legally allowed to rent a car, but I was already an orphan, planning funerals, owning property, and doing things even my own parents never had to endure. Before your parents die, you may have this image in your head of what will happen. Unfortunately, there's a good chance it's completely inaccurate. The truth is, no one can tell you about what REALLY happens, because everyone will experience it differently. In this post I’ll share what happened to me and how you can learn from my mistakes so you’ll be better prepared when it happens to you.
When I was 23, my single dad was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. It got to the point where my dad basically became a vegetable (and I mean that in the nicest way, I’m just being real). When this happened, all his friends started yelling at me to get an estate lawyer. They actually were also low key yelling at my dad for not arranging a will or trust of any kind, but it’s hard to yell at a vegetable.
So they yelled at me.
The husband of a friend of mine said he “knew a guy” (don’t we all?) and it ended up being this super old dude who worked out of his duplex. I was young, time-crunched, and frankly didn’t know better to realize this “estate lawyer” was sketchy as fuck. I had $800 in my own checking account at the time. It was simply not enough to cover my dad’s bills. I had to figure out how to get into my dad’s bank account so I could start paying all his bills while he was a vegetable. I was able to get my dad to scribble something that looked like his signature on a durable power of attorney (a document essentially allowing me to sign docs and make decisions on behalf of my dad). I’ve forged my dad’s signature so many times in high school to get out of PE that I should’ve just forged it but, you know, “ethics”.
My dad had about $4,000 in his checking account which was really not enough to cover the mortgage, utilities, insurance, and like everything else he needed just exist for more than a month, 2 tops! He also owed about $10,000 on his credit card because he forgot to pay it (it's easy to forget when you’re a vegetable). I was very close to considering selling feet pics online (I’m kidding. I used to do ballet, I don’t even have toenails. Nobody wants to see my feet).
This is where my mom comes to save the day.
Well… she couldn’t literally save the day because she’s even worse than a vegetable. Because mom is dead. Mom had been dead for 12 years at this point. Mom, like dad, also didn't have a will (my parents didn’t think they’d die as young as they did but this is NOT A GOOD EXCUSE). Honestly, mom didn’t have much to even leave in a will…or at least I thought she didn’t!
Mom’s mom (my grandmother who is even more dead than mom) had a little building in Jerusalem. The building had recently sold, so my mom and her brothers were entitled to a small portion of the money from the sale. According to CA law, the spouse gets what was left if there was no will. But my dad is a vegetable and the money from the sale is in shekels in a bank in Tel Aviv. I had to somehow get that money back to my dad’s account in the states so I could hold the fort up. It wasn’t much but it was something that would help cover the costs at the time. I realize that I was SO lucky and privileged to get that. Because most people don’t “find” extra cash out of nowhere in dire time where they really need it like I did.
At this point, my dad was getting worse and his friends were now yelling at me to figure out where to bury my dad once he would stop being a vegetable and start being a corpse. I spent a whole day touring every Jewish cemetery in the Los Angeles area (I’m Jewish btw. So if you’re a Nazi, please unsubscribe). If you thought the cost of living was expensive, you haven't lived until you've had to pay for the cost of a death. When you bury someone, you technically have to buy land. And Land is property, and property is expensive! It would cost about 20k. Another option was putting my dad in a wall (“mausoleum”) which would be around 10K. Cremation was only 2k (A STEAL!) but all my dad’s friends were yelling at me: “No! You’re Jewish! Jews don’t cremate!”. So by peer pressure, I spent a little over 10k to put my dad in a wall.
For the record, please cremate my ass. Sprinkle my ashes at Nobu in Malibu to piss off the rich people.
Anyhow….Dad dies.
At the time, my streams of income were:
Teaching yoga at a Crossfit studio twice a week.
Teaching cooking classes at a school twice a week.
Rent money from the small house next door which my dad also owned.
Writing a freelance articles to humor sites like Cracked.
My dad’s bank accounts were frozen but eventually the bank set up a “trust account” under my name. I was still getting checks with my dad’s name and I could deposit them into that trust account. I still have that account to this day.
At this point, I was having issues with my dad’s “trust” that was quickly expedited with that super sketchy, last minute lawyer. Turns out, the trust wasn’t really valid because it had witness signatures missing. I tried to get in touch with the sketch lawyer but he disappeared. Ghosted me like a hot guy from Raya!
I had to find a NEW trust lawyer. When I finally found a legit one, he did some investigation and turns out, the sketchy lawyer was disbarred like 5 years prior. So please, get a good, reputable estate lawyer before shit hits the fan with your parents. Lesson learned. Because of the botched trust and sketchy lawyer, I wasn’t able to sell my dad’s property until about 5 years after he died.
In the first few months after my dad died, I was referred to a financial advisor. I moved the some of my money to investment accounts. They don’t charge me hourly (like my estate lawyers) and have helped me navigate selling my dad’s house, getting a new one, and all big financial things. I’ll post more financial advisors in the future!
BOTTOM LINE
If your parents are still alive, here’s what you should have set up:
A Revocable Trust. This is so important because probate court is costly, stressful, and takes a much longer time. This is why I couldn’t sell my dad’s property until 5 year AFTER he passed. All because he never set up a revocable trust.
A Will
Health Care Directive
Durable Power of Attorney (POA)
Funeral Arrangements
Not mandatory by HIGHLY recommended:
Talk to an estate planning lawyer so you understand all your options. Preferably one that does not work out of a run-down duplex in a shady part of LA. The estate planning lawyer will allow you to better prepare for the financial complications of death.
Have some frank conversations with your parents about how you’ll operate your parents’ financial life while they’re unable to do so. Get all their pin numbers and passwords. The more you know about their current situation the better.
Life just fucking sucks sometimes. However, it can also be really awesome. The most positive thing I've acquired from the death of my parents is actually a strong will to live and learn how to manage money. And if there's anything I think my parents really wanted to happen after their death, it's for me to live life and strive to be happy. So as scary as losing you parents is, you just gotta ride the wave, hang in there, and be financially prepared.
Oh yeah, and you can be Batman, duh!
XO
-Eden
P.S.
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